


Fëanor’s Firsts

by eris_of_imladris



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 19:36:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14064051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eris_of_imladris/pseuds/eris_of_imladris
Summary: A series of twenty-two drabbles telling the story of “first times” in Feanor’s life.Written for NaNoWriMo 2017.





	1. First Breath

His birth was an occasion with a great deal of both happiness and sadness, for as soon as he was born, his mother, who had already suffered drained life force during her pregnancy, began to wane even more. These things were not supposed to happen in Aman, and although he could not remember his first moments, he knew of them later from how his father remembered them: the curtains drawn wide to let all the light of Laurelin in, but instead, all the light simply left.


	2. First Knowledge of Death

Death is not total silence, but silence of what matters. The leaves still crunch beneath his feet when he walks through the gardens, the birds still twitter as they leap from blossom to bloom, and the attendants keep up their soft humming, but the sound he wants to hear most is gone. The only sounds on his mother’s body are the breeze ruffling her gown, the slight scrape of the circlet in her hair against her stone bier, and the utter silence of her lips.


	3. First Steps

Always a curious child, he desired to know what was beyond his reach. What was there when his father put him down, suddenly too heavy? What was there when his nursemaid left the room, heading for a greater destination? There was nothing stopping him but the wobbling of his legs, and he soon learned to master that, and began searching for something more interesting than his immediate surroundings. When he was found, his father’s smile was bittersweet, and he wondered if he had done something wrong. Later, he knew all that he had done wrong was reaching this milestone without his mother there.


	4. First Studies

The tutor, as things were explained to him, was there to help him become the prince he needed to be, and he took to his lessons with pride, although he was not content to be the student. The language he studied seemed to impractical, and he soon began to draw loopier letters on the side of his pages, on his own parchments at home, everywhere he could. And he learned to argue for his opinions, and that, in his mind, was the best way to be a prince, whatever his tutor said.


	5. First Time Meeting Indis

The blonde Vanya was trying to be his friend, but he made up his mind the moment his father told him that he was seeing someone that their relationship was anathema to everything he believed in, and there was nothing that she could do to help. She tried so much at first, making conversation through his awkwardness, trying to give him small gifts that most other children would have appreciated. She could not give him the one thing he needed – a mother – and because of that, he was determined to hate her for sitting in his mother’s garden, near her flowers, her hair so similar and yet so different, her chatter dishonoring the sacred space.


	6. First Horseback Ride

The movements were unnatural beneath his body, but there was so much more of the world to explore, and as he had no wish to be near his father during his courtship, he needed the refuge of the open fields. There was no war to wage, but he chose a strong stallion, charging as fast as it could go, relishing the wind in his face and his hair blowing back in a way that made Indis think he looked uncouth and wild. After these remarks, he only did it more, a smirk on his face daring her to say more.


	7. First Day of Apprenticeship

He was not guaranteed anything because of his circumstances of birth, he heard from Mahtan, and in some way, that was a relief. He earned his own spot by his own skill, and this satisfied him so much more than he could explain to his father. Many thought it was strange for a prince to want to take up smithing as a trade, but they had never felt the hammer in their hands, knocking against the anvil, using anger for positivity rather than scowling through every meal where she was invited.


	8. First Hint of a Solution

Nerdanel was beautiful, but so much more. He had been approached by just about every maiden on Tirion when he became of age, but he only had eyes for Mahtan’s red-haired daughter, her cheeky smile and the way they could discuss their mutual love of crafting that, at times, was meaning more to Fëanor than his family. It was his father’s anniversary with the one who usurped his mother’s place, which only made him more determined to enjoy with Nerdanel. They are not in love, but he will not be alone on this night, and she understands, so perhaps, something may grow there.


	9. First Day of Adulthood

He wears the robes of an adult, and the anger of his father telling him he acted like a child to his half-sister earlier that day. He walks into the room fueled by rage, and he is honored above all by so many, but he still feels emptiness as his father stoops to pick up the little girl, swinging her in the air. The only person in the room who he cares about is not even looking, and he decides then and there what kind of man he will be.


	10. First Time Baking

He smells the smoke mere moments before the explosion. He can smell the burning of the fire as he feels the squishiness of what was supposed to be pastry. These things didn’t work like the forge, and he couldn’t help but chuckle at himself. The noise of the banging draws Nerdanel, who smiles widely. And Nerdanel laughs, and scoops some of the batter out of his hair, and laughs again. And for the first time, he does not mind being laughed at.


	11. First Day of Fingolfin's Life

He is convinced, when he hears the baby’s father-name, that he is finally being replaced. His insubordination has finally taken root, or Indis has poisoned his father’s mind, for who could call a baby wise next to his invention of the new script, of his discoveries in the forge every day? On this day, he is told he gains a brother, but in fact, he gains a new father, realizing how Mahtan does truly care for him, and he feels like he is part of a family at last.


	12. First Day of a New Family

He creates his own family when he marries Nerdanel. She is too young, too ugly, not a princess, people say, but there is a sparkle in her eyes like the center of a geode, unexpected perhaps but no less beautiful for not being conventional, and he feels joy like he has not in quite some time. He even ignores the way his half-siblings have to participate in the wedding, and his father smiles to them as well as him, for the one who matters today smiles only at him.


	13. First Love

He feels their souls mingling together as their bodies do, and although his hroa feels delight, his fëa feels a depth like he has never known before. This is true love, he knows, and, even as he is entwined in his lover’s arms in the grass, he wonders how his father could have bonded with his mother and then bonded with another. For him, there is only Nerdanel, no matter what.


	14. First Child

It is too soon after the wedding, and he is terrified for Nerdanel’s well-being, but he is so thrilled to see the little red-haired bundle in her arms that he nearly forgets how to walk. He cradles the baby’s head in his hands, laying a kiss on his wife’s head, trying so hard to give her his strength. He smiles even more widely when her tiredness seems ordinary, when she is not following the curse of his line. And so he proudly names his son Nelyafinwë, not only to insult his elder half-brother, but to assert that his line is strong, and his happiness will only continue to grow.


	15. First Discovery of Silima

Few things are as beautiful as his sons who now number seven, but this gem is, the way it sparkles in the deep rock nearly bringing tears to his eyes. It is so fragile, a mere touch is enough to destroy any chance of holding it together, and he wonders what he can do with this. The Mingling comes soon after, and he decides to mine as much as he can, noticing that the light bounces spectacularly off of the white crystal. He dares to wonder if he can make his own light, as he has in the births of his children, and he dares to hope that this will make his father proud at last.


	16. First Time Seeing the Finished Product

The crystals finally hold together after months, years, forever of experimentation. It takes an eternity to form them, and when he holds them in his hands, his touch feather-light, he feels as much pride as he had when any of his children were born. He thinks of his children and looks back at their house, all the lights out, and realizes it is nearly the middle of Telperion’s light. With his greatest craft achieved, he can rejoin his family now, and hopefully reconcile with his first, and he will finally, finally be happy.


	17. First Time Taking Things Too Far

Just as he thought the gems bought him his father’s love, he sees him talking to Fingolfin, hears the scolding words and erupts in anger. The sword that had been so easy to forge feels so light in his hands, quivers no more than a hair’s breadth from Fingolfin’s throat. His half-brother had started the argument by scolding him before the court, but somehow it all turns to his fault in the eyes of the Valar, and the ones who are truly to blame – Fingolfin and Morgoth – walk off without a scratch as he is sent into exile.


	18. First Night in Formenos

His half-brother is rewarded as he is punished, and he realizes how Morgoth’s prophecy came true. His bedsheets feel different here, his bed cold and empty without Nerdanel, who has returned to the house of her father. He wishes he could be there, with Mahtan clapping a hand on his shoulder and telling him everything will be okay, but he wonders if he instead comforts Nerdanel, helping her learn how to live life alone. He has never felt more abandoned, even with his father sleeping in the next room over, a final tangible sign of his love.


	19. First Oath Broken

He breaks his marriage oath by taking an oath of revenge upon the body of his father. The sheer irony that he has gone back on an oath to the love of his life, as he once hated his father for doing, is lost on him, for his father is dead, and all he can see is dread.


	20. First Kill

His sword slides through the Teleri’s body so easily, it almost feels as though he is slicing butter in his kitchen, and he nearly expects to feel the tickle of Nerdanel’s breath on his nape before he remembers all that has happened. He is fatherless, homeless, wifeless, and his sword seeks anything between him and his Silmarils, the one love that he knew he could reclaim. His father and Nerdanel were beyond his reach, but this, he could keep; this, he could earn back. The words pounded through his veins like fire in his blood, driving him forward and into more and more enemies who had once been his allies, his friends.


	21. First Decision in Aman

He can practically feel his half-brother’s rage mingled with fear across the water as the ships go up in flames, and although the sight pains him, he looks, wishing it was instead his father looking at him. Fingolfin has always looked too much like his father, and the sight of the grief on his face nearly made him regret his actions, but he had gone this far, and he was not going to let Fingolfin usurp his place. With the Kinslaying, he knew there would be those who were against him, and he could not risk having another male heir of Finwë. He would keep his sons around him, and if his half-brother died in the cold, he would know at last that they did not have a true kinship, for his own fire could surely carry him across the Helcaraxë without a problem.


	22. First Mortal Wound

He could feel it in his blood before he felt the sword against his side. The pain took slightly longer to radiate through him, for his anger was so great. Who was this Gothmog to wound him, when he had not even been in Morgoth’s presence since the day he shut the gate on him? He feels the sword growing heavier in his hand, and wishes that he knew how to use a sword with both hands, and wonders why he did not study that more instead of reading more insipid books in his father’s library. Through the pain, which burns like a brand, he feels his sons around him, and the ground beneath him, and a gloved hand on his head and red hair matted with dirt and blood falling into his face. He wishes to clean his son’s hair, but he is unable to move his hand, and he hears the valarauko laugh, igniting his rage one final time. And he dies as he was born, in a great sheath of fire.


End file.
